I'm so tired

I sit here and stare at my computer screen, images flowing through my mind in viscous circles. I play every bittersweet song I have, each one flowing over me in a painful caress, cathartic and destructive in one pretty package.

Life seems to me a misery more often than not. Something you simply grin and bare, hoping you’ll make it through the day. Maybe you smile, or even laugh, but inside the laughter rings hollow. It’s simply a costume assumed in the hopes you can trick yourself into believing that everything is actually ok.

When is anything ok? As time goes on, the few bright moments seem to be slowly get shoved aside by those moments no one should ever have to experience.

I stop to sing the lyrics of the music. Desperately pushing out every word, hoping that the emotions I feel will go with it. It doesn’t work.

Do you ever wonder if you were meant to live in this world? I do every day. Where do you see yourself in five years? That’s the million dollar question we’re asked. I don’t know where I’ll be in five years, but I find it difficult to imagine that it is anywhere good.

Why bother sharing who you really are with other people? In the end it is a road the leads to pain. No one is truly interested in knowing the real person behind the façade. No you need to be always careful to present a nice, perfect package. You have to be fun, entertaining, always willing to listen, but never expect to be able to share your own feelings, fears, or personal thoughts and views.

I should go to bed and get some sleep. But sleep is no reprieve. The thoughts and emotion haunt me in my dreams. That’s if I could fall asleep, instead of lying there entombed in a black emptiness, wrapped in a blanket spun from the knowledge I am all alone. If only I could float away, ethereal and non-existent, silent and forgotten…